REVIEW – Gods of Egypt has zero power to make you give a damn

You can definitely skip this one. If there is one thing you can do for yourself this year, it’s SKIP THIS MOVIE.

If you’ve ever seen any historically inaccurate movie (particularly involving Egypt) you’ve pretty much seen this movie.

Also, if you’ve seen 300, then it’s the same deal.

No, I’m not talking about similarities in the plot. I’m talking about the angry, testosterone-fueled yelling Gerard Butler does in this film in the role of misbehaving deity Set.

Gods of Egypt plays out like a leftover script someone wanted to film for shits and giggles. This movie is confused, dull and dreary. I guess if you’re looking for plot, it has something to do with some ambitious human, Bek (played by Brenton Thwaites, who has some seriously unfortunate acting credits to his name – like Blue Lagoon: The Awakening) teaming up with Horus (played by Nikolaj Coster-Waldau) to try and not only save Egypt, but Bek’s lady love, Zaya (Courtney Eaton).

I can’t wrap my head around the fact that, according to director Alex Proyas in an interview with Forbes, this is a movie about the gods of Egypt that is not set in Egypt. Pardon? Are you kidding? Right off the bat – strike one.

Not to mention this bizarre, unnecessary means of playing with the size of characters on the screen: the gods are made to look larger; the humans are made to look tiny. Don’t care. It just makes the movie look dumber. I also found the fan service kind of casting incredibly irritating. That’s nice, I know Zaya is pretty, but I don’t need to see her or Hathor  (Elodie Yung) on display like carrots for horses. Strike two.

Now for the real lambasting: the writing, the acting, and the casting. This movie had no sense of direction. None of the characters seemed to know what they were doing, and parts of the plot would just pop up like no tomorrow. Set wasn’t married to Memphis (you can’t just expect your audience to “know” that), so I’m hoping people are watching this with a massive filter in mind: this movie clearly doesn’t make historical accuracy a priority. Perhaps a moot point, since the director has acknowledged that. The “acting,” which includes yelling, forlorn looks, and a lot of kneeling – try to get you to believe there’s a craft happening here, but it’s a red herring. And don’t even get me started on the casting of mostly Caucasian people in the main roles. Strike three-A, three-B and three-C.

You’re better off spending your money elsewhere, like on a short-stringed paddle toy, or some Pokemon cards. Don’t even rent it. It’s a whole wack of bull.

Zero out of five.

I’m obligated to post the trailer for you to watch below, but seriously, don’t bother…

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